I don't expect anything from you.

I am generally a pretty positive and upbeat person. You want to know why? I try my best to have no expectations. That doesn't mean I don’t have goals or that I don’t strive for excellence in what I do. It means that I make a conscious effort to take the world as it comes and make the best of it. Sure I have my off days, just like everyone, but I don’t let what I want define what is.

That to me is where you get in trouble. Expectation leads to entitlement. Entitlement leads to disappointment. Disappointment leads to bitterness. See how I got a little Yoda in there for you. When you don’t feel you are owed anything, when you don’t “expect better” of the world around you, you find that what you have, even if it is only a little, is pretty damned amazing.

I often have debates with my husband over people being assholes. I often say “You can’t fault people for acting to their nature.” Do you want the people around you to be good, loving people? Of course you do. Can you hold your expectations of them and your demands for their behavior against them? I don’t think so. If someone is in your life and is not the kind of person you want around, or is not worth the effort, let them go. All you do is poison yourself with your disappointment that they, “ weren't who you thought they were” when you continue to hold them to your expectations.

When I was a little boy I would always get incredibly wound up about some future event; vacation, my birthday, Christmas to name a few. I would be so full of anticipation, of expectation, that I would work myself into frenzy over all of the amazing things that I just knew were going to happen. Almost every time I was disappointed, not because the experience wasn't a good one. But because I had built up so much expectation of the event that I was devastated that it didn't live up to the fantasy I had built.

I find so much more joy in just being in the moment, without the imagined planning of what is to come. Of the conversations I’m going to have. Of the people who are going to just love me. They just may, but coming into the experience with that need, means you will leave it unfulfilled, because, honestly, your fantasy of how things will be will almost certainly be better than the reality.

My world view does not absolve me from trying to better the world. It doesn't absolve me from trying to be a good person.  In its way it makes me and only me responsible for my happiness, it makes me and only me responsible for making my world a better place. Rather than be free of obligation. I find that it makes me more obligated, not by the expectations of others around me, but by my own personal set of ethics.

Coming out gay/coming out pagan

I've done both, gay when I was 15, pagan about 5 years ago in a more dramatic fashion (never denied it). There were lessons from coming out as a gay man that in some way relate to coming out pagan. Here are the things I think are relevant to both.

1. Do it on your own terms, in your own time. This is the most important thing I can say. It’s your life, you have to live it. Don’t force it. When you’re ready you’ll know.

2. If you want a big dramatic statement. Make one, if you want a slow spread of information, do it. Be aware that both have their upsides and downsides.

3. Know that you’re going to spend the rest of your life coming out over and over again. This is a harsh truth, but a good one to be aware of.

4. If your friends/family distance themselves from you: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are people out there who will be your support, who will love you for exactly who you are, not who they try and demand you to be.

5. Be proud of who you are, but don’t hang your entire identity on one thing. Be well rounded. Besides being more healthy for you in the long run, having a variety of experiences and interests makes you sexy.

6. You define what being you means, don’t let stereotypes, the media, or other people’s expectations make you something you’re not.

Any others any of you would like to add please comment. I’m trying to compile a list of worth while information.

A Hug is a Commitment

When I was about 16-17 I had an experience, a life changing one, on a very small scale from the outside of things. For a little background: I was very tall and skinny and was very moody, easily afraid, and often had had my ass kicked. I was also one of the few openly gay people I knew in town.

I was walking in downtown Fort Collins to meet some friends at someplace I can’t recall at the moment. While I was walking a guy almost clips me while riding his bike and yells back at me: 
“Watch it FAGGOT”
My world goes red, I drop my back pack and start running after him, virtually frothing at the mouth and spewing obscenities. Completely intent on catching up to this asshole and beating him until there is nothing recognizably human left. 

One of the friends who I was walking to meet, steps out in front of me. It’s like running into a brick wall. For clarity he’s taller than I am and has about 100 pounds on me at that point in my life. He wraps his arms around me.

He doesn't let go.

I’m still screaming and swearing and trying my hardest to break his grip, but he’s got my hands pinned to my sides. My anger redirects from the cyclist to my friend. I start yelling at him, venting all my rage and anger at the world on him. Struggling desperately to break free. 

He doesn't let go. 

Eventually my anger fades and I start crying. No matter how many times I’m called a fag, or thrown in lockers, or hit or spit on. It still hurts. This deep well of pain comes bubbling up. My friend’s grip changes from one of restraint to one of comfort. 

And still he doesn't let go. 

The storm of emotions lasts about 10 minutes, he and I standing on the main drag of our town he’s holding me tight while I fall apart. Completely unselfconscious about holding the gay kid, the faggot, while he weeps for a broken life. I've never forgotten that moment. I have never stopped being grateful for him being strong for me when I wasn't. 

That’s what I mean when I say a hug is a commitment.

Life is good. Life is sexy. Remember that this is your chance, possibly your only chance to enjoy the pieces of the divine whole around you. Indulge your senses. Indulge your passions. But not blindly, oh no, with reverence in the gifts that you have been given, for how can you truly appreciate all these amazing things if you don’t take time and quiet to think and dream. 

There is darkness here also, there is pain. There is suffering. But these are like salt on caramel, the sharp sting that reminds you to enjoy this fleeting life. When you hurt, hurt. It’s ok; pain and sadness do not make you weak. They make you human. Turn to your brothers and sisters, family and friends, they will lift you up. They will hold you when the world becomes too much to bear. 

There is but one destination in this life, do not be in such a hurry to rush to it. Enjoy the now. Take a few minutes every day just to be. Sit in the sun and breathe, sit in the darkness and think. Sit at your altar and pray. Ground yourself in the moment. Things go by very fast and you don’t want let the storm of day to day minutia take you too far from yourself.

Most importantly: love. Love yourself first, for all other loves comes from this love. Love your family. Love your friends, your lovers, and partners. Love the people around you, even if you don’t know their names. Each is a piece of the divine whole. Love your enemy. Not only does this cause you to rise above the petty vindictiveness that guides too many, it releases you from the painful connection of hate. Love shapes the universe, it changes minds, and it opens hearts. It is the lens through which we define of all the things in life.